Is Monogamy Natural?
Does your spouse cheat, why does this happen?
Life-long commitment is rare in other species, but it is not non-existent. This is noted and debated, and has been for about as long as our species has had language. One concept in our language is monogamy.
Are human beings’ natural born cheaters and liars? Yes. Are we also natural born bonders and lovers? This also appears to be the case. As every other thing we dive deeply into, we find there is no black or white, or right or wrong. There are at least fifty, and likely more, shades of gray matter debating the topic.
Dr. David Barash, (UW) notes that in harem style species (think of gorillas) the larger, hairier and more aggressive displays of male suggest sapiens should be polygamous. Dr. Helen Fisher notes, with just as much validity, that our marriage bonding is greatly enhanced by pair-bonding and brain chemistry. Neurotransmitters, such as testosterone and oxytocin, assure a couple comfort and confidence that encourage fidelity. Add to that human children benefit from double the nurturing and resource gathering, and a strong argument for monogamy emerges.
Ecopsychology examines nature and nurture equally. There is no separation between them, just as there is no separation between the clouds overhead and the ocean when that sky pours down a deluge of rain. There is no rigid separation between your mind and body. All parts comprise the whole that we call nature. Biology and environment shape your sexuality.
Just as your body is a collection of many living organisms, your socialization is a collection of as many different attitudes and value systems as there are people in your life. Those exposures extend beyond Facebook and Fox News to a virtually limitless resource of incoming ideas. Even in these troubled days of information bubble-dwelling lives, some competing ideas leak in. Add “Fake News” and bias of every kind to our already susceptible defense mechanisms, and a person can only employ skepticism and healthy doubt if we are to utilize our remarkable brains to their fullest thoughtfulness. Fortunately, that is something we are fully capable of doing. It is necessary, if we are to overcome some of the projection, denial and repression that formerly protected our smaller human tribes. Now we can identify which of these tendencies of xenophobia is counterproductive.
All of this is to say, the dispositions you are born with, plus the socialization messages you internalize affect your behavior about love, loyalty and novelty. Monogamy is primarily a personal choice.
This is the modern age. People live in a whole spectrum of situations from extreme abstinence, to polyamory. Then there is the gender identification and more. Should you have as many life partners as you can, or find your fairy tale ending just as it happens in Disney?
Before you protest, (as rightfully you should), that fairy tales are not real, may I remind you that every one of us buys into belief systems as part of our evolutionary survival mechanisms. We can believe entirely in our own marriage, just as much as some may believe in Vishnu or Buddha, Pele, David Koresh, or celebrity demons. Don’t forget that there are people who see their national leaders with god-like superheroes, and some of them live in the USA. Given this, let’s not pretend. Some people may well find their belief in one’s own capacity to have a strong and enduring marriage is quite possible. Indeed, it is the best solution for some. We should also give due credit to observing that despite the strict binary system where one standard (males will cheat) for men and another standard for women, (You can live happily ever after with your prince) have been sold to all of us for centuries.
Gender roles are changing. People are learning that diversity is not a bad thing.
Values are something fluid, as well. Whereas in one place and time a person could be stoned for adultery or homosexuality, societies around the world are learning to find more acceptance. A recent development, for example, is that slut-shaming, body image shaming, bullying of others, and sexism, which was once sanctioned, is slowly becoming less tolerated.
The key to whether you will thrive in your relationships, is the same key as that which we see in natural selection. Choose the best and non-toxic environment for your comfort level. A suddenly polluted environment will favor a darker moth, an intolerant choice for your lover will turn deleterious for you. Honesty is crucial if you want any relationship to work. All relationships are based on trust.
So!? Anything goes? Dogs will be sleeping with cats! Frogs will turn gay? No, it means that with truth and trust, your relationships can endure what you are forthright about; relationships require honesty. People who hide, or misrepresent their fidelity, will hurt their partners, and/or also grow to resent them too.
A societal growing up phase is required globally. In those places where people are still closeted about their sexual orientation, prejudice and intolerance will continue to hurt everyone over all. Acceptance, eventually, honors nature’s call for diversity.
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