Since everyone is binging Westworld, and don’t you dare try to deny it, let’s look at it from a kid’s perspective.
So, please explain it all to me:
Seven year old Lora: It’s where the robots are in a wild west and they all have guns. They like to shoot, fight and drink. And lay around in barns and stuff.
Me: Is it just the robots that have guns?
Lora: No, the People visiting Disneyland also have guns.
ME: Disneyland! where did you get that?
Lora: It’s like Disneyland, but everyone is got guns. And there’s a pretty girl. She has her own horse. She is Dee Lorex.
Lora: Yes. Dee Lorax.
ME: Not the Lorax, it’s Delores.
Lora: Right. The Lorax is not real.
Me: Then who will speak for the trees, baby?
(She looks at me like I’m an idiot and rolls her eyes, sighs, she doesn’t get my jokes at all.)
Me: Are the robots and gun shooters at this Disneyland real?
Lora: Some are real people and some are just wearing costumes.
Me: Are the animals real? Is anything real?
Lora: I think the piano player, with cool gloves is real, but the buffalo who dives is not.
Me: How do you know he’s not real? You Mean the American bison, right?
Me: How do you know?
Lora: The bison is not real because buffalo can’t swim, and won’t dive.
Me: Oh. Right.
Lora: So, anyway, everyone has got guns and no one knows what is fake and what is real?
Me: Is that scary?
Lora: No. Because you can cut right through them and they only die if they’re really real.
Me: What else to they do? What is the story about?
Lora: Oh. The story is that William and Teddy will fight over Delorex, but she’s tougher than both of them. Then the bad guy in black comes and goes and kills everybody all the time to solve a maze. Then there’s an old guy who talks to Delorex in a robot lab where they make the robots sit naked.
Me: That sounds scary.
Lora: Not really.
Me: What else is going on?
Lora: It is a sciencey fiction story so you not supposed to know what is going on, and it’s time: travel story so nothing is really going on at all. Nobody was really born, then. Or Science. They fight and blow up stuff, so there’s lots of cowboys and Indians running around, and bad guys and good guys and you just don’t know.
Me: You just don’t know???
Lora: Well, there’s also rich people, and I’m sure they are real. Yeah. I think they are real. They made the labs. All the girls are pretty and all the men are mean. And there’s a slave girl and her mother is the Madam of the Sweetwater.
Me: You mean Maeve? (I don’t want to say the word Madam:, but Lora does)
Lora: Yes. Madam Maeve. It’s from France. It means, like, “Miss” in France.
Me: French? (thankfully, Lora moves on)
Lora: Yeah, and Maeve’s little girl and the guy with the fall down glasses who talks to her both want their children back.
Me: Who took their children?
Lora: (Groans loudly, she’s exasperated, rolls eyes again.) It’s all over the news!
Me: What’s all over the news?
Lora: That bad people take good people’s children away, Like Crack dealers and ICE dealers and bad cops and Count Olaf. But it’s okay. She’s going to be okay.
Lora: Because the little girl never gets shot. (She looks at Me: like I’m as clueless as a person watching Westworld, then moves forward with her synopsis.) That’s everybody else that gets shot. Haven’t you ever seen a movie or a show? You can’t shoot the little girl! GAWD!
Me: This one is difficult to follow, how do you keep all the characters straight? Can you?
Lora: NO, no of course not.
Me: Of course not.
Lora: Listen. What is really cool is how they make up the robots in the lab. They have buckets of paste, and blood and guts and threads and stuff. They take all the people mind stuff and put it in the robots. They have animals too.
Lora: Like the horse. Horses.
Me: You seem to really like the horse.
Lora: They also have horses in Disney Dance girl Japan.
Me: What?! Japan?
Lora: Anyway, they go to Japan. Maeve learns to talk and dance in Japan words. And use a sword and knives and stuff.
Me: Of course.
Lora: Yeah. Someday we can go to see the horses, and the other place where the tigers live. But you should never, EVER, hurt a tiger.
Me: Why is that? it might try to kill you!
Lora: I learned it in school.
Me: Are there a lot of tigers at school?
Lora: (giggles) There are no tigers left in this kind of West, or even fake west.
Me: Oh. That’s sad.
Lora: There are all these people who ride their horses until the poor horses are sick and wet.
Me: Oh, baby. I’m sorry.
Lora: That’s the only scary thing, except when snake tattoo woman has a maze and everyone wants to kill the Indians, tigers and everybody. And there’s Ford. Nobody knows what he is doing. EVER.
Lora: Anyway, what finally happens is the Indians come: and save everybody, after they stop killing everybody. But the Man in black causes all kinds of trouble and keeps killing everybody.
Lora: I’m going out now. (She is dressed in puddle boots and ready to run through mud.)
Me: That’s it. You’re not going to explain the rest?
Lora: Well. No. Not really.
Lora: Well. I don’t know if the pretty girl turns all bad or partly bad. You just have to watch.