Porn Stars, Playmates, & Pageant Contestants Rate Trump

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Porn Stars and other victims come forward from the Swank to the Swamp

Several women have come forward in recent days to validate and sympathize with Stormy Daniels, who was accused of lying about a non-sexy sex tryst with Trump. This week, facts were revealed that Trump did indeed, violate her in the most inhumanely way possible, paid for her silence about the incident, and allegedly had her life threatened with mob like tactics.

“The worst part was his kissing. It’s like a lumpy lamprey sucking out your very soul.” Said Ms. Daniels, adding: “Death threats and public hate are bad, but can you imagine having to come forward to say “It was consensual with this man. My skin crawls like leeches from a swamp.”

But Ms. Daniels is not the only victim of non-sexy and clumsy attempts at sex and ‘flirting’ one anonymous women calls “flirt-hurtful, spurt-tation.”

Polly Wolly Wiggle, exotic performer at the former Trump University Cat Call Café gave Mr. Trump a “five out of ten.” Recalling that the “Great man tipped extraordinarily well.”

When asked to clarify “great man” Wiggle exclaimed, “Great pumpkin, of course. Haven’t you ever seen his face and scary eyes? Terrified my tassels off.”

Another young women, Ms Becca Perfecta from Iowa competed in the Miss Teen Universe pageant then owned by Mr. Trump. “He would lurk around the dressing rooms and spring upon us like a ‘tremendous orange octopus. ‘He knocked off Betty’s tiara one day, and it snagged in his fluffy hair-top thingy. He stomped off that day clutching at his bald spot comb over, and shouting, but we were actually just shrieking because he’s a perv.” Ms Perfecta awarded Mr. Trump a “Two out of ten because I am feeling generous, not because he paid all of us girls ten large each.”

“Is this part of the Mueller investigation?” Several women asked. “If it’s not Mueller getting rid of him we don’t ever have to speak of it again do we!?!” Said 9,000 other women.

Republican supporter Taffy McGaff remembers that when she was Miss March playmate of the month Trump attended a party where he kept asking his accompanying attorney how much goosing, pinching, butt slapping, pussy-grabbing and ‘flirty’ obnoxious naughtiness was considered “legal.” The attorney, one of many now unemployable except with the mafia, declined to comment, but according to Miss March — Miss McGaff — “Mr. Trump also had this ugly little Nosferatu guy with him” The ‘vampire’ has since been revealed to be former ‘America’s mayor, Rudy Giuliani.” Four of us girls at the party will go on record as giving Mr. Trump “Three out of ten on a scale of crocodile hide to shark skin.” Told that’s not a one to ten scale, Miss McGaff explained that it is an alternative scale.”

Curious as to how other non-beauty queen women in Trump’s life would rate the POTUS, several ladies were asked about “Randy Muck-Donald.” Not wishing to appear on public record were Kelly Ann Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Melania and his daughter Tiffany Trump.

“Not to be printed in any major news outlet, yes?” Asked Melania, “If this is so, I give my husband a threesome if he just leave me alone.” Conway insisted “I could never rate Mr. Trump as high as Sean Hannity could rate him, but I would give him an eight and a half (81/2) because I once saw an instructional, foreign film on how a great man treats women.”

Sarah Sanders, when asked how she would rate Trump as a “Sexy man” reviewed her notes and replied: “That is something I have not yet conferred with the president upon so far today, but our president has denied that he is a “non-sexy man.”

Asked to elaborate Ms. Sanders continued in a voice flatter than a flat earther’s flat.

“The fact he is the greatest sexy man of all sexy men to ever have lived.” At this, three other women present in the room gasped, but Sanders droned on.

“You all just keep asking me that. I will continue to inform you that the president is very adamant that he is a very, very sexy man. I myself have a perfect smoky eye for these things and no subjective human emotion whatsoever standing in the way of cold, hard steel truth, so I can assure you that the president is a very, very, very sexy man. He rates at least eleven out of ten.”

When asked to rate her father Tiffany Trump was flabbergasted. “Donald Trump is my father?!? EWWWW.”

Written by

Ecopsychologist, Writer, Farmer, Defender of reality, and Cat Castle Custodian.

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